Deehan's Pensieve

I am a happy person. I seldom get disappointed and when I do it's really horrible. Yes, I feel horrible now.

I usually stay away from thinking negatively not only because it could make me look unattractive but mainly because I know death could come knocking anytime and I wish to die happy.I will die a happy person.I will exert every efforts to achieve that and right now, I may feel horrible but I am on way to healing . I somehow don't intend to recover pretty soon but I don't intend to feel this way forever. I am sad, very sad.

My dog Hero died last Saturday. I feel like a mother who just lost a son. I feel like a baby who wanna see Mama the soonest . I feel like an orphan singing a song because I deeply miss my parents. I feel like a girl wishing to see a best friend who has moved to another town . I feel like a crazy man seeing visions of a dead loved one. Death of a loved one , regardless of whether it's an animal or human ( though I think humans are animals too, in taxonomy ), is painful.

I feel terrible because I can't blame the one who caused my Hero's death.I know it was an accident. I know his intentions were pure. I know Papa did not intend to kill my Hero. I am not a perfect daughter and yes, I confronted him with all the uncontrollable tears flowing and burning my eyes like hell. After hours of crying out loud, I knew Papa was sad too and I know he was more sad seeing me and mom in deep pain. The two woman in his life is crying because of the accident he caused. The feeling of guilt and sadness might be stressing him a lot. Then,I started to worry more about his feelings.I started to worry about Mama and Papa's feelings.

What keeps hurting me now is that I can still imagine him greeting me . I can imagine his bark and some noises he could create. I imagine hearing , seeing , smelling and touching him. Yeah, I dislike having vivid imaginations.

It's honestly hard to resume working but I know I have responsibilities. I must have the equilibrium.

It's painful for everyone in my family and I don't care if others find this "weird". My Mom cried from the vet's clinic where Hero was confined and she cried until night time .

I will forever love you Hero. I will forever miss your planking.

If ever I will have another dog in the future. It will never mean that another dog can replace you.No other dog can ever replace you. It will be unfair for you and for the new dog. You are a masterpiece Hero. I miss you.