The Perfect Thing In Having An Imperfect Life

Posted Monday, June 4, 2012 by deehan1914

Oh dear.

I am a graduating student and that sucks.

No, I don't want to study numbers again nor predict the absence and presence of my Professors. I don't want to travel far just to reach school. I will never wish to have dark circles under my eyes. I don't want to be tired, partner-less, confused and awake. All I want is to grip this thread that makes me feel that I am working hard to reach a good future because this is the right thing to pursue. I want to do the right thing. If only I can do this minus the chaotic Friday cramming and the exhausting Saturdays at graduate school. Ah! If only.

I somehow don't want to graduate and leave graduate school. Maybe sometime in the future I'll consider this phase the most comfortable than in any other phases in my life even though studying and working at the same time was never a joke. There's no 100% assurance of a comfortable life after this. There's no assurance but I think there's a possibility. See, I'm young and confused and I've been luckily told it's normal. Thank God!

I never felt I worked so hard. I guess I can never pass my own standards. I am guilty of being kind to others but unforgiving to myself. The only thing I am proud of myself is that I can't let a day pass without reading a sensible article that I wish will propel me to someone extraordinary in the future. Something that I can brag to my future kids. Something that can inspire others whom I don't even know, will never know, might never care to know and might regret to know. 

I never felt I did what my God expected me to do. No, never. There's a lot. Even though I have been trying so hard, I know, deep down in me, I can hear that I have never been a child He can be proud of. It's a wonder though how I could feel that He has been closely taking care of me. It's really a wonderful world with a wonderful God.

I wish I can say that I have been a good daughter. I know others who could really claim that they have been generous, loving, thoughtful and blah blah. The long list of synonyms could follow. And the long beautiful lists of adjectives and superlatives    that can best serve as an ornament to their names and souls. I heard their parents say very good things about them and I wish I was deaf. These words make me uncertain of my own. It makes me troubled, sad and left me hoping that Peter's Neverland is real.

I guess it's enough to say that I am determined, careful and loving. The perfect thing in my imperfect life is the realization that I am me and there will always be hope for me.That I can always choose and do great things. I vow never forget the heart and imagination of a kid wherein the possibilities are boundless and that enemies could always fail. That even if wounds are painful they will surely heal and hence I can play and smile ear-to-ear again as though there was never any pain. There’s a superhero inside of me that will always save me. There will be always that spark of hope elicited by the strength deep down me. I will never kill this spark. Regardless of my failures, regardless if others who are of my age are more accomplished...more specialized than I do…I know I am not someone who will be an eternal disgrace. I will forever be determined to make my love ones happy and safe. 

We might not live as long as we wanted to but we can certainly live the way we want. The way God wants us to. 

I will have a life well-lived. I am on my way. I wish you too.