Patience, Obedience and Optimism

Posted Sunday, December 18, 2011 by deehan1914

Sometimes I wonder where I pulled this patience in me. Why am I this patient? Thinking real hard, I realized that maybe because I never intended to settle to anything less than what I was waiting for. Waiting was a good option maybe because I never planned wasting time in trying other things which I knew won’t make me any happier than what I was waiting for. Maybe because I perfectly knew that waiting is the best evidence of my being worthy to have that thing that I prepared for ...that thing that I have been waiting for.
I have always believed that timing is everything and I tried to follow the calendar set by my parents which was certainly based on the Bible. I have been carefully following rules just to get what I want without really receiving the assurance that I will have it 100%. I understood the risks. I understood that things might turn out more beautiful if I will change my mind and discontinue waiting. I acknowledge that when God twists something, it turns out more beautiful than what we imagined it to be. However, this time, I wish to beg God and let me have that one that I have been waiting for. I want it so bad that I kept my distance to it because I waited for it to be “ripe". Keeping the distance to something I knew would make me happy was never that easy. But still, I refrained from taking it on the wrong time. I have been praying to have that thing I've been waiting to have. I hope I deserve it now. I tried to do the things I realized I must in order to hopefully be worthy to have it. I never rushed having it because I knew I didn't want it to be temporary. I learned that if you wanted something to be close to perfect (since nothing is perfect) you must wait for the right time- and so I waited... and so I prepared.

Right now, someone is about to steal that thing that I have been waiting for. I also wonder if I can call it stealing because I never had that thing anyway. I was just looking at it, from a good distance hoping not to disturb its growth. 

If that thing will be taken from me, I will still congratulate myself for showing much patience, understanding and wisdom. Even if it will surely break my heart and I can imagine that it might be beyond repair , I will remain happy that I have proven to my God how loyal I could be and I have proven to myself how strong is my self-control . I know I must tap my shoulder for the disciplines that I was able to develop while patiently waiting.

Anyway, I won't force myself to stop waiting and change course because nothing is final unless I am dead. What I am seeing now is something I can change, with God's permission of course. I have a good feeling that if I won't force myself I can expect this strong desire to die naturally...fade naturally and vanish, perhaps, perpetually. If this feeling will die shouldn't be that painful than forcing it to fade. God is surely making me learn something now.

If one wishes and if only one could clearly see through me, one can see a patient, obedient and optimistic soul growing because of deep trust to the Almighty Creator.

December 18 , 2008 : One Sweet Day

Posted by deehan1914

To write this or not, I hesitated a lot. Not because I grew tired of writing but because I hesitated about my real intentions in writing this one.  I will talk about something which happened exactly three years ago.

I intended to share something which will always be one of the highlights of my youth. I always feel young whenever I think of December 18, 2008.

It was already almost Christmas break when I was asked by someone to have a morning walk with him on the next day. Right now, I can't believe how sleepless I was that night because I was thinking of what I just agreed on. Adding more worry was how I could ever ask permission to my big sister because I really wanted to go with him.

My big sister was really furious when it comes to guys going around me. I was too terrified about how will I ever tell her the truth that I wanted to jog and walk but not with her. I actually tried to pull all my powers just to tell her on 17th of December 2008 about my morning walk with someone on the next day. I tried and tried to interrupt her while she was actually doing something I asked her to do for me. We were doing some key chains out of pine tree twigs (the thing you can see in Baguio ,  the one which looked like a pencil key holder).She was crafty while I appeared to be too lousy at doing things which require a knife ( just like cooking, hahaha!) . Oh! Blame it to my Belonephobia (wink! ). We shared one room and I couldn't imagine how hard it was to ask her that time while it has been always easy asking her to rescue me whenever I act clumsy and appear helpless. At the back of my mind, I could already imagine her reaction. Surely, it will always sound like this. “Jogging? Walking? Oh, I'll come with you. It must be scary to jog and walk this early by yourself “or “You want to jog? What on earth struck you and you finally decided to do something healthy? Okay, I'll go with you ". I certainly knew that no matter how I will web my story, she will still end up going with me. I decided to try to get some sleep with a plan in my mind. I crossed my fingers hoping things will work just what I prayed and planned. 

On the next day, I was already mesmerized by the idea that someone was actually waiting for me downstairs. I couldn't believe that it was actually happening. I saw a man patiently waiting for me outside our cottage's gate. I was watching him from the second floor and the birds started to sing in my ears. He did not notice me watching him because I tried to peek there just to watch him for few seconds and savor the idea that someone whom I really liked for years was waiting for me. My journals witnessed it all. It was not "Love at first sight" but rather it was " Admiration at first sight ".The first time I met him,  I admired how silent he was and I could really feel his presence since that day forward. He was really an eye-catcher for me because he was wearing a white shirt ( I always have bias to men wearing white shirts ). Thinking of how long I've been keeping that feeling and thinking what I was about to do that fateful morning gave me vehement feeling of excitement inside . So, I was just looking at him and wondered what he was thinking while waiting for me. I heard some noise from the door of my room and I suddenly rushed downstairs thinking that my big sister might have changed her mind and insist on going on with me. I was like flying from the second floor down to the first floor. Years prior to that, I could not remember if I ever did it that fast (Excitement really gives powers huh?). And as I was trying to look calm and be as natural as I could be, I finally saw him and the birds resumed singing again. As we started an awkward talk because we were both shy, I could remember how I managed to "escape" from my sister.

Then, I was so sure I just met my time catalyst. Time flew faster than ever. I could remember we did several rounds at the oval and went to a golf course. There was a moment when we needed to run while in the middle of the those tall trees at King Faisal because it was starting to rain. Thinking about it this time convinces me that it was actually like just what I saw on movies- Korean movies. He was such a gentleman and I admired him more for that. He walked with me on my way home and we both knew it was such a “good morning “.

Bidding him goodbye and looking at our cottage’s gate made me realize what just happened earlier. I could imagine my sister’s face while I uttered the craziest thing she heard that day.

I was really nervous to be questioned about what happened during the morning walk. I knew she would be suspicious about it. I promised her that I will tell her if something "lovely" would be going between me and him.I worried about how she will look at me.There was really nothing to say yet. Oh, good heavens thanks for sending this adorable sister.

Alas, I took all the courage left and started to finally enter our cottage. I opened our room and she was waiting there for me. I knew she was uncertain of what to say because she was still shocked about my newest style of making her say “yes”. I looked at her like a very shy sheep and sat at my bed. She then asked me how it was and I told her I could hear birds singing. She laughed and did not mention about how I made her say “yes” earlier. She asked me if I wanted to eat and I agreed. While eating, she mentioned how clever I was earlier and how hesitant she was. She agreed to me because I was honest and gave her very little time to think and almost no option at all but to say “yes”. I actually woke up early, took a bath and fixed myself all while she was snoring. Then when he was already outside our gate, I tried to awaken my big sister and told her I was about to go jogging and that someone was already waiting outside. I told her who was waiting and she was speechless. While she was speechless, I took it as a yes and I politely said I can go alone this time because I perfectly knew she was still sleepy. I know she could have done something to stop me but she never did.

On that day, I finally heard her love story. She shared her own story of regrets, happiness and hope. I was impressed of how vulnerable and then how strong she became. I appreciated the trust and sincerity in her message. She was actually not my biological sister yet she was more than a real sister to me.

Right now, I missed them both. I miss that man waiting for me outside and the sister patiently waiting for me inside our cottage. Time runs so fast, it has been three years now and I could still imagine the thrill, worries, doubts, shyness and love I was feeling that day. That was my “One Sweet Day”. 

These Thoughts Makes Me "Me"

Posted Wednesday, December 7, 2011 by deehan1914

Being not able to say what you wanted to say does not necessarily means one is a coward.It could be that she is just so aware that her words could not make the situation any better.

Keeping the distance never means one is cold.It could be that she is matured enough to realize that there is no point in becoming close anyway.

Saying goodbye never means forever because there will always be moments when you will be so engrossed of the thoughts about the person you bid goodbye. Hence, I wish sometimes bidding goodbye will also assure future absence of such hurtful memories in my mind.

Photographs were created to capture not only views but also emotions. Right now, I wonder how I will see years from now a photo that will be taken right at this very moment . What emotions could I remember that time?

What are promises for if I prefer surprises?Don't promise me, surprise me!

I never intend to study reading my palms, cards and constellations just to predict my future.  What beauty is there in a very predictable life?

What  sense is there in wearing revealing clothes if you want to attract a god-fearing man? In wearing such, you are attracting the wrong target market.

The Things That I Will Do Before I Will Die

Posted Thursday, December 1, 2011 by deehan1914

1. Visit Iglesia Ni Cristo Temple at Quezon City, Philippines
2. Help Mom build a rental house
3. Have my own farm
4. Earn a PhD and become a University Professor
5.A trip abroad with my family and Ate Ahwel
6. Send my unsent letters to the supposed receivers
7.Visit Japan with my bff Honey and try Bullet train, experience winter, spring and autumn .I want to taste snow! Melt it in my tongue!
8.Have a good reunion with my MSU-CBI family
9.Organize a project with MSU-CBI family
10.Learn Adobe Photoshop
11. Buy a DSLR camera and photograph for National geographic
12. Send Angelo to a good school
13.Plant more flowers and trees
14. Paint using a pro's materials
15. Sing loud in public
16. Shout at the top of Eiffel Tower with Michelle Cojo
17. Talk to him again and clear things (whoa,sweating now .. c:  )
18. Talk to ^,.,^ and clear things
19. Try bungee jumping, air gliding, jumping on a cliff with a parachute on, more scary zip lines
20. Donate blood
21. Sign an agreement that if I will die, I will donate my organs
22.  Donate to or build a home for the Aged
23. Donate to Orphanages
24.Try having a long hair and be girly ( just for a month)
25. Watch  pop and rock concert live with the man of my dreams
26. Walk and jog with my dog often
27. Buy my dream bed sheet ( winnie the pooh , it looked to comfy and yes, it was expensive.. I will buy it!)
28.Have a son and pray that he will be a church minister
29.Eat more Biko , try Natto and other Japanese foods.
30. Hear more British accent in Britain, visit the places shown in Harry Potter
31. Study abroad ( Asian culture )
32. Touch the pyramids at Giza and hug all of them!
33. take good pictures of my loved ones and my dog
34. Hug and kiss the Libera kids! This choir group is always giving me goosebumps!