Why Tongue Tied

Posted Tuesday, May 31, 2011 by deehan1914

It was never just about the song Tongue Tied by Faber Drive. I think it has been always about the logic of thoughts, actions and results.

Certainly, there were a gazillion of instances that I was really able to remain mum not because I have nothing say but because there were nothing good that I can say. And yes, it made someone so angry when he couldn’t hear any response from me. Nevertheless, I'll never regret the times when I have chosen be silent and allow them think that I am idiot than open my mouth and perfectly prove that I am indeed one.

There were many events in my life that I found myself eager to express my thoughts even before the judgmental eyes of the public.

First, I used to join debates. I love them so much! At school, I love to try to find for best grounds to outsmart my opponents .I found joy in looking for reasons to justify my contentions and find loop holes in their arguments. Believe me, doing it while time pressured and while inquisitive eyes are carefully watching, you will never be bored! The rush, the vehement feeling to outwit others’ arguments and the applause are things which will make you high like never before.

Second, I also found fondness in talking impromptu. It was crazy! I loved to feel nervous because I have been always thinking that it is ‘thrilling” to do so. I wonder what madness drove me when I joined an extemporaneous speaking just for ‘fun”. I wanted to challenge myself. I was tired of being an audience and I was so curious about what it feels like when you are talking in front and I wonder how thoughts, words and gestures work together at such rush.

Third, in my crazy attempts to feel “nervous”, I even tried to be the first one to raise my hand for an oral examination during our Business Law subject. Of course, I can say I was not pretty confident about what I studied ( I was never confident given this poor memory I have).That time , none of my classmates were really wanting to raise their hands and so I let my hand fly . The moment I raised my hand, the eye brows around me were also rising. My best buddy thought I wanted to commit a different form of suicide. I think she was somehow right. To cut it short, my Lawyer Professor threw questions that made me smile. I smiled because the questions were both I can surely and I cannot surely answer. Call me just lucky! Have you noticed that things are somehow easier in actual situations than in what we have originally imagined? It was fun! I never allowed fear to eat the lovely me.

Given the above momentous times in my life, I also found circumstances that I decided to shut my ignorant mouth and listen more. These situations were during when I was angry and in those situations where I was certain that I what I was about to say will just ruin the boarders I have set.

I have observed that when people are angry they become silly (same as when they are drunk, I was never drunk because I never wanted to look “silly” in that way). People tend to utter words which made my jaw drop and my eyes wide open in pure amazement. Moreover, people tend to act hastily and are prone to hurting each other. How could it be that in this time where men and women are schooled regularly about what is right and just  before the eyes of God and man, can someone with ostensibly bad temper appear to be proud of his acts? Anger founded with wrong reasons will corrupt good thoughts, good actions and thereby good results.

I understood that it is so beautiful when you are heard, that is even lovely when others sympathize with your thoughts and it is even wonderful when you are all able to move together at the same route towards progress. However, consider this, it is not all the time that thoughts are like Einstein’s, it is not all the time that your mouth can speak the word of angels, and it is not all the time that results are always as expected. The wise talks less and listensmore especially when he is angry.

Furthermore, I found it wise to not only be tongue-tied when I am angry but also in times when I know that my ideas are wrong, no matter how I will justify it ,because it is against my Creator’s command.

I knew I can express the desires of my heart by telling the truth. However, I knew that my desires were selfish and not godly. Then the battle inside of me usually begins. Should I be honest about myself or should I be silent? If honesty will lead me away from God which should I value more?

One might find my contentions vague. Allow me to cite an exciting real-life example. Once upon a time, back when I was so young and fresh (I like the word fresh here) , there was this one heavenly creation that captured all my attention even though he was out of my reach. That guy was the most stunning, breathtaking, interesting,
 pleasing and dignified in every form or appearance and the most astonishingly intelligent before my very eyes. Seeing him was cloud nine and talking to him was divine! Thanks to life’s kaleidoscope, one sunny day, he finally decided to court me because he has been feeling the same way since we first met. Of course, I wanted to faint but I could not! The reality that time was so epic that I never intend to miss it by collapsing-no, never! As a typical Filipina, who loves to prolong it all and want to make things “thrilling”, I decided to ask him to give me ample time to think about it.

On the next day, I was already sure of my answer.

I told him that I cannot be a girlfriend to him. I told him that I feel the same way however I am not convinced that we should be boyfriends and girlfriends simply because we feel the same way for so long.

That night was the longest night in my life. The battle inside of me was so intense. Certainly, I was never able to sleep well. I was praying for wisdom. Relationships are something I place of so much value and I don’t want to go against the will of my parents and my God. I was literally counting both the possible advantages and was amazed by the tons of drawbacks. My reasons were, first, I fully understood that the main reason why girls will look for a boyfriend SHOULD be because she is seeking for marriage. The purpose should be about possibility of marriage and not just for random wrongful source of ephemeral amusement. I got that from the homily. Second, I have been a headache to my parents and I can’t seem to find enough guts to hurt them by my hasty decisions. I knew I was not yet allowed and I knew it would be chaotic should I insist my will. Third, I don’t want to have him in the wrong time and lose him when the “right time” comes. I was so afraid to have him then lose him. I knew we were young and I knew it was still wrong. I was afraid God won’t allow me to have a good relationship with him because I have been unbelievably impatient. Believe me, fear of this kind is a good fear. I fear God’s words and I respect them.

So I remained mum! I never said I missed him even though the feeling was so intense already. I found ways to hide the feelings because I knew it was best. I had pure reasons and even though it was painful … I endured all of it-thanks to my Creator!

I was tongue-tied because I have chosen to be!

Today, I keep the hope that at the right time, I will reap all the fruits of these acts. I am positive that God saw all the tears, the fears, the trying-to-be-brave heart and all the prayers. Moreover, I have always believed in the strong connection between thoughts, actions and result. To manipulate results, I must manipulate my thoughts first. I can make it and yes I will be zealous!

I have been always confident that if a man will seek for my heart he will seek it from God. Equally, I must be a woman of God if I want to have a godly man.

Let me live you with this line I got from the article “Becoming Esther” by
Paul and Charo Washer.But why should God entrust a godly man to a woman that is absorbed in herself and her own needs, and does not use the freedom of her singleness to serve God and prepare herself for His purposes?  Such a woman would have little to offer a godly husband!

Pains as Blessings in Disguise

Posted Friday, May 27, 2011 by deehan1914

Today, I decided to sit down, evaluate myself and write about it. Yes, I decided to spare hours to both critic and praise my thoughts. After all, it is what we cultivate in our bed of thoughts that influence our actions and results. I realized that my life has been so fast paced that a moment like this does happen once in a blue moon.

Appreciating the beauty of today, I am trying to breathe deeply while looking at my hair which is growing so weird, my eyes which are still having its spark, my feet which remained so small and my room painted with the most relaxing colors in the Universe. Outside, I can hear my cousins cheering and fighting over a basketball game ( I actually lost my interest when Celtics were unable to continue in the playoffs).Moreover, I can also hear how birds are ostensibly busy about their daily business-wandering. I sometimes wonder why I was not a bird and why was the bird not human. My IQ of course can’t find a sufficient answer that is why I think I will forever rely to the fact that it’s God’s will that I am human and not a colorful joyous bird. I think that is really the reason! I have exhausted myself in finding answers and it seemed to be always leaving with me with this final conclusion- it is God’s will. Now, that is interesting!

After graduation, I was able to have a job then  had another job and stayed for 9 months now. I was able to send myself to graduate school and I managed to have good grades. Given my IQ , I really appreciate that my Professors were able to give me those lovely grades. I somehow think I don’t deserve those grades because in my evaluation, honestly, I had a hard time. Indeed, the world is wonderful, I can’t seem to understand some of their lessons and I can’t seem to figure out why I deserved those grades. I am not saying that their teaching ability is incompetent; I am saying that I can’t seem to catch up everything they said and yes, please blame my busy brain (it’s screaming “MEMORY FULL”).

I go to school again for obvious reasons. First, I want to realize my dream of becoming a university Professor.  Second, I am working at home now and I feel the need to talk to intellectual people face to face at least once a week so that my brilliant ideas will not tarnish and painfully vanish like useless smoke. I want to polish my point of view. I want to see what they see and critically compare it with mine. Third, I want to build strong connections with people who share and oppose my ideas. I am thrilled to see people who are so nimble at looking for ideologies to defend their grounds. I feel the rush to critically think too and arrive at equally (if not better) ideas. Yes, so often, I of course failed to arrive at something which beats them but I find it joyful to do. IT IS SO THRILLING!

Moreover, I never had any official boyfriend after graduation ( I like the term official here ). Many wonder why I never said yes. My best friend was not surprised though. I had one love of my life when I was a University student and I had another one whom I found so interesting months ago. I both liked them and they both liked me but it never reached the point that I can have them as my boyfriend. No, I am not planning to be a nun. I am convinced I must give birth because I want to experience being a woman! I want to jump joyfully at each color in the spectrum of womanhood. I want to savor every phase and use all my power to remember how each color feels in my skin and in my heart. Schooled and having read books specifically about relationships, I think I am not qualified yet to be a girlfriend. Yes, those men were wonderful in their unique ways and I will always admire their wisdom over their stunning looks. I especially liked the way they treat their mom and children. Yes, I was disappointed when they gave up waiting when I will finally think that I am ready to be their girlfriend but what else can I do? Chase them? NO WAY! If they choose to be gone then I can understand why they are no longer in my present life and future life. I am not the one who will go over someone and humiliate myself by painfully begging those men to stay. I might puke if I’ll do that! I am complete even before they arrived and if they will go then they surely are not the ornament I am looking to add more radiance to my being complete already.

God’s love and promise were making me so confident when I said “No” to the one whom I was really in love with. I am deeply convinced in this line: “The one who will come in the wrong time will never be the right one, not unless if he will still be present when the right time comes”. I am convinced that a relationship founded due to the cheap thrills of random attraction and for grotesque reasons will surely be troublesome. Yes, I don’t drop the idea that they might eventually have a life painted with so many rainbows however; I am keen enough to see that those relationships are popular for being not lasting. If one will ask me if I am ready to be a girlfriend now…I’ll say I am not! It is not that I don’t like responsibilities, commitments, hugs and kisses but it is because I am learning the real meaning of those things and I made an irrevocable vow to myself that  I will only be a girlfriend if I am already matured enough to take those tons of respective responsibilities. I don’t want to hurt anyone and that includes me. I don’t want to ruin God’s perfect timing with my stupid impatience and demented thoughts of love. I seek for wisdom each day and I will never stop seeking because I know I could never get enough. There is this line which really never failed to inspire me since the first day I saw it in the wall in one of the girls’ dormitory and it goes like this:”Singleness is a time in which a woman is to cultivate the virtues that pertain to being a woman of God, so that she can offer her future husband and the world more than just a pretty face.” Wow... Breathtaking!

I love it that I am not a fortune teller. I feel blessed of being unable to read the lines in my palms and over analyze the seemingly normal dreams when I sleep. I am not someone who transforms trivial things I see as symbolic or something as ostensibly crazy as that. I am not a cynic and it never means I am numb to evil though. I take life not in the way I want it but in the way my Creator wants it. I try not to follow the desires of my worldly heart and I try not to be myself. I try to be the one God wants me to be. Yes, I strongly disagree to those people who believed that the best cheer for their friends will be the lines “ be yourself”, “ follow your heart” and ”follow your happiness and never mind the rest of the world” . I’m   sorry but I honestly think those are deadly words. Those could crush you and lead you away from God. How? Be keen! Look around you! It has been foretold that one should not ALWAYS follow his heart as it may be worldly. Yes, you can follow the desires of your heart however, are you 100% sure those are running in parallel with God’s idea of what is correct? Have you given enough thought if that is really for the greater good? Or you were just thinking selfishly and were not really caring about what is ethical before the eyes of God? How could you tell your friend to just follow his heart if you are not even certain what is in his heart?

I understood it is painful to restrict ourselves with the things we consider as “good”. Yes, it was painful beyond words when I left him. Yes, it was painful that I cried all my tears out the whole night when I knew he is gone with no traces of coming back. Then I realized that PAINS ARE BLESSINGS IN PERFECT DISGUISE!

I will leave you with that to ponder because after all, I understood that you will run through almost same experiences as mine. How could something so painful turn out as something perfectly plotted for something beautiful beyond imagination? Think and pray!