Sometimes I wonder where I pulled this patience in me. Why am I this patient? Thinking real hard, I realized that maybe because I never intended to settle to anything less than what I was waiting for. Waiting was a good option maybe because I never planned wasting time in trying other things which I knew won’t make me any happier than what I was waiting for. Maybe because I perfectly knew that waiting is the best evidence of my being worthy to have that thing that I prepared for ...that thing that I have been waiting for.
I have
always believed that timing is everything and I tried to follow the calendar
set by my parents which was certainly based on the Bible. I have been carefully
following rules just to get what I want without really receiving the assurance
that I will have it 100%. I understood the risks. I understood that things
might turn out more beautiful if I will change my mind and discontinue waiting.
I acknowledge that when God twists something, it turns out more beautiful than
what we imagined it to be. However, this time, I wish to beg God and let me
have that one that I have been waiting for. I want it so bad that I kept my
distance to it because I waited for it to be “ripe". Keeping the distance
to something I knew would make me happy was never that easy. But still, I
refrained from taking it on the wrong time. I have been praying to have that
thing I've been waiting to have. I hope I deserve it now. I tried to do the
things I realized I must in order to hopefully be worthy to have it. I never
rushed having it because I knew I didn't want it to be temporary. I learned
that if you wanted something to be close to perfect (since nothing is perfect)
you must wait for the right time- and so I waited... and so I prepared.
Right now,
someone is about to steal that thing that I have been waiting for. I also
wonder if I can call it stealing because I never had that thing anyway. I was
just looking at it, from a good distance hoping not to disturb its
growth.
If that
thing will be taken from me, I will still congratulate myself for showing much
patience, understanding and wisdom. Even if it will surely break my heart and I
can imagine that it might be beyond repair , I will remain happy that I have
proven to my God how loyal I could be and I have proven to myself how strong is
my self-control . I know I must tap my shoulder for the disciplines that I
was able to develop while patiently waiting.
Anyway, I
won't force myself to stop waiting and change course because nothing is final
unless I am dead. What I am seeing now is something I can change, with God's
permission of course. I have a good feeling that if I won't force myself I can
expect this strong desire to die naturally...fade naturally and vanish,
perhaps, perpetually. If this feeling will die naturally...it shouldn't be that
painful than forcing it to fade. God is surely making me learn
something now.
If one
wishes and if only one could clearly see through me, one can see a patient,
obedient and optimistic soul growing because of deep trust to the Almighty
Creator.
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