It was never just about the song Tongue Tied by Faber Drive. I think it has been always about the logic of thoughts, actions and results.
Certainly, there were a gazillion of instances that I was really able to remain mum not because I have nothing say but because there were nothing good that I can say. And yes, it made someone so angry when he couldn’t hear any response from me. Nevertheless, I'll never regret the times when I have chosen be silent and allow them think that I am idiot than open my mouth and perfectly prove that I am indeed one.
There were many events in my life that I found myself eager to express my thoughts even before the judgmental eyes of the public.
First, I used to join debates. I love them so much! At school, I love to try to find for best grounds to outsmart my opponents .I found joy in looking for reasons to justify my contentions and find loop holes in their arguments. Believe me, doing it while time pressured and while inquisitive eyes are carefully watching, you will never be bored! The rush, the vehement feeling to outwit others’ arguments and the applause are things which will make you high like never before.
Second, I also found fondness in talking impromptu. It was crazy! I loved to feel nervous because I have been always thinking that it is ‘thrilling” to do so. I wonder what madness drove me when I joined an extemporaneous speaking just for ‘fun”. I wanted to challenge myself. I was tired of being an audience and I was so curious about what it feels like when you are talking in front and I wonder how thoughts, words and gestures work together at such rush.
Third, in my crazy attempts to feel “nervous”, I even tried to be the first one to raise my hand for an oral examination during our Business Law subject. Of course, I can say I was not pretty confident about what I studied ( I was never confident given this poor memory I have).That time , none of my classmates were really wanting to raise their hands and so I let my hand fly . The moment I raised my hand, the eye brows around me were also rising. My best buddy thought I wanted to commit a different form of suicide. I think she was somehow right. To cut it short, my Lawyer Professor threw questions that made me smile. I smiled because the questions were both I can surely and I cannot surely answer. Call me just lucky! Have you noticed that things are somehow easier in actual situations than in what we have originally imagined? It was fun! I never allowed fear to eat the lovely me.
Given the above momentous times in my life, I also found circumstances that I decided to shut my ignorant mouth and listen more. These situations were during when I was angry and in those situations where I was certain that I what I was about to say will just ruin the boarders I have set.
I have observed that when people are angry they become silly (same as when they are drunk, I was never drunk because I never wanted to look “silly” in that way). People tend to utter words which made my jaw drop and my eyes wide open in pure amazement. Moreover, people tend to act hastily and are prone to hurting each other. How could it be that in this time where men and women are schooled regularly about what is right and just before the eyes of God and man, can someone with ostensibly bad temper appear to be proud of his acts? Anger founded with wrong reasons will corrupt good thoughts, good actions and thereby good results.
I understood that it is so beautiful when you are heard, that is even lovely when others sympathize with your thoughts and it is even wonderful when you are all able to move together at the same route towards progress. However, consider this, it is not all the time that thoughts are like Einstein’s, it is not all the time that your mouth can speak the word of angels, and it is not all the time that results are always as expected. The wise talks less and listensmore especially when he is angry.
Furthermore, I found it wise to not only be tongue-tied when I am angry but also in times when I know that my ideas are wrong, no matter how I will justify it ,because it is against my Creator’s command.
I knew I can express the desires of my heart by telling the truth. However, I knew that my desires were selfish and not godly. Then the battle inside of me usually begins. Should I be honest about myself or should I be silent? If honesty will lead me away from God which should I value more?
One might find my contentions vague. Allow me to cite an exciting real-life example. Once upon a time, back when I was so young and fresh (I like the word fresh here) , there was this one heavenly creation that captured all my attention even though he was out of my reach. That guy was the most stunning, breathtaking, interesting, pleasing and dignified in every form or appearance and the most astonishingly intelligent before my very eyes. Seeing him was cloud nine and talking to him was divine! Thanks to life’s kaleidoscope, one sunny day, he finally decided to court me because he has been feeling the same way since we first met. Of course, I wanted to faint but I could not! The reality that time was so epic that I never intend to miss it by collapsing-no, never! As a typical Filipina, who loves to prolong it all and want to make things “thrilling”, I decided to ask him to give me ample time to think about it.
On the next day, I was already sure of my answer.
I told him that I cannot be a girlfriend to him. I told him that I feel the same way however I am not convinced that we should be boyfriends and girlfriends simply because we feel the same way for so long.
That night was the longest night in my life. The battle inside of me was so intense. Certainly, I was never able to sleep well. I was praying for wisdom. Relationships are something I place of so much value and I don’t want to go against the will of my parents and my God. I was literally counting both the possible advantages and was amazed by the tons of drawbacks. My reasons were, first, I fully understood that the main reason why girls will look for a boyfriend SHOULD be because she is seeking for marriage. The purpose should be about possibility of marriage and not just for random wrongful source of ephemeral amusement. I got that from the homily. Second, I have been a headache to my parents and I can’t seem to find enough guts to hurt them by my hasty decisions. I knew I was not yet allowed and I knew it would be chaotic should I insist my will. Third, I don’t want to have him in the wrong time and lose him when the “right time” comes. I was so afraid to have him then lose him. I knew we were young and I knew it was still wrong. I was afraid God won’t allow me to have a good relationship with him because I have been unbelievably impatient. Believe me, fear of this kind is a good fear. I fear God’s words and I respect them.
So I remained mum! I never said I missed him even though the feeling was so intense already. I found ways to hide the feelings because I knew it was best. I had pure reasons and even though it was painful … I endured all of it-thanks to my Creator!
I was tongue-tied because I have chosen to be!
Today, I keep the hope that at the right time, I will reap all the fruits of these acts. I am positive that God saw all the tears, the fears, the trying-to-be-brave heart and all the prayers. Moreover, I have always believed in the strong connection between thoughts, actions and result. To manipulate results, I must manipulate my thoughts first. I can make it and yes I will be zealous!
I have been always confident that if a man will seek for my heart he will seek it from God. Equally, I must be a woman of God if I want to have a godly man.
Let me live you with this line I got from the article “Becoming Esther” by Paul and Charo Washer.”But why should God entrust a godly man to a woman that is absorbed in herself and her own needs, and does not use the freedom of her singleness to serve God and prepare herself for His purposes? Such a woman would have little to offer a godly husband!”
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