Pains as Blessings in Disguise

Posted Friday, May 27, 2011 by deehan1914

Today, I decided to sit down, evaluate myself and write about it. Yes, I decided to spare hours to both critic and praise my thoughts. After all, it is what we cultivate in our bed of thoughts that influence our actions and results. I realized that my life has been so fast paced that a moment like this does happen once in a blue moon.

Appreciating the beauty of today, I am trying to breathe deeply while looking at my hair which is growing so weird, my eyes which are still having its spark, my feet which remained so small and my room painted with the most relaxing colors in the Universe. Outside, I can hear my cousins cheering and fighting over a basketball game ( I actually lost my interest when Celtics were unable to continue in the playoffs).Moreover, I can also hear how birds are ostensibly busy about their daily business-wandering. I sometimes wonder why I was not a bird and why was the bird not human. My IQ of course can’t find a sufficient answer that is why I think I will forever rely to the fact that it’s God’s will that I am human and not a colorful joyous bird. I think that is really the reason! I have exhausted myself in finding answers and it seemed to be always leaving with me with this final conclusion- it is God’s will. Now, that is interesting!

After graduation, I was able to have a job then  had another job and stayed for 9 months now. I was able to send myself to graduate school and I managed to have good grades. Given my IQ , I really appreciate that my Professors were able to give me those lovely grades. I somehow think I don’t deserve those grades because in my evaluation, honestly, I had a hard time. Indeed, the world is wonderful, I can’t seem to understand some of their lessons and I can’t seem to figure out why I deserved those grades. I am not saying that their teaching ability is incompetent; I am saying that I can’t seem to catch up everything they said and yes, please blame my busy brain (it’s screaming “MEMORY FULL”).

I go to school again for obvious reasons. First, I want to realize my dream of becoming a university Professor.  Second, I am working at home now and I feel the need to talk to intellectual people face to face at least once a week so that my brilliant ideas will not tarnish and painfully vanish like useless smoke. I want to polish my point of view. I want to see what they see and critically compare it with mine. Third, I want to build strong connections with people who share and oppose my ideas. I am thrilled to see people who are so nimble at looking for ideologies to defend their grounds. I feel the rush to critically think too and arrive at equally (if not better) ideas. Yes, so often, I of course failed to arrive at something which beats them but I find it joyful to do. IT IS SO THRILLING!

Moreover, I never had any official boyfriend after graduation ( I like the term official here ). Many wonder why I never said yes. My best friend was not surprised though. I had one love of my life when I was a University student and I had another one whom I found so interesting months ago. I both liked them and they both liked me but it never reached the point that I can have them as my boyfriend. No, I am not planning to be a nun. I am convinced I must give birth because I want to experience being a woman! I want to jump joyfully at each color in the spectrum of womanhood. I want to savor every phase and use all my power to remember how each color feels in my skin and in my heart. Schooled and having read books specifically about relationships, I think I am not qualified yet to be a girlfriend. Yes, those men were wonderful in their unique ways and I will always admire their wisdom over their stunning looks. I especially liked the way they treat their mom and children. Yes, I was disappointed when they gave up waiting when I will finally think that I am ready to be their girlfriend but what else can I do? Chase them? NO WAY! If they choose to be gone then I can understand why they are no longer in my present life and future life. I am not the one who will go over someone and humiliate myself by painfully begging those men to stay. I might puke if I’ll do that! I am complete even before they arrived and if they will go then they surely are not the ornament I am looking to add more radiance to my being complete already.

God’s love and promise were making me so confident when I said “No” to the one whom I was really in love with. I am deeply convinced in this line: “The one who will come in the wrong time will never be the right one, not unless if he will still be present when the right time comes”. I am convinced that a relationship founded due to the cheap thrills of random attraction and for grotesque reasons will surely be troublesome. Yes, I don’t drop the idea that they might eventually have a life painted with so many rainbows however; I am keen enough to see that those relationships are popular for being not lasting. If one will ask me if I am ready to be a girlfriend now…I’ll say I am not! It is not that I don’t like responsibilities, commitments, hugs and kisses but it is because I am learning the real meaning of those things and I made an irrevocable vow to myself that  I will only be a girlfriend if I am already matured enough to take those tons of respective responsibilities. I don’t want to hurt anyone and that includes me. I don’t want to ruin God’s perfect timing with my stupid impatience and demented thoughts of love. I seek for wisdom each day and I will never stop seeking because I know I could never get enough. There is this line which really never failed to inspire me since the first day I saw it in the wall in one of the girls’ dormitory and it goes like this:”Singleness is a time in which a woman is to cultivate the virtues that pertain to being a woman of God, so that she can offer her future husband and the world more than just a pretty face.” Wow... Breathtaking!

I love it that I am not a fortune teller. I feel blessed of being unable to read the lines in my palms and over analyze the seemingly normal dreams when I sleep. I am not someone who transforms trivial things I see as symbolic or something as ostensibly crazy as that. I am not a cynic and it never means I am numb to evil though. I take life not in the way I want it but in the way my Creator wants it. I try not to follow the desires of my worldly heart and I try not to be myself. I try to be the one God wants me to be. Yes, I strongly disagree to those people who believed that the best cheer for their friends will be the lines “ be yourself”, “ follow your heart” and ”follow your happiness and never mind the rest of the world” . I’m   sorry but I honestly think those are deadly words. Those could crush you and lead you away from God. How? Be keen! Look around you! It has been foretold that one should not ALWAYS follow his heart as it may be worldly. Yes, you can follow the desires of your heart however, are you 100% sure those are running in parallel with God’s idea of what is correct? Have you given enough thought if that is really for the greater good? Or you were just thinking selfishly and were not really caring about what is ethical before the eyes of God? How could you tell your friend to just follow his heart if you are not even certain what is in his heart?

I understood it is painful to restrict ourselves with the things we consider as “good”. Yes, it was painful beyond words when I left him. Yes, it was painful that I cried all my tears out the whole night when I knew he is gone with no traces of coming back. Then I realized that PAINS ARE BLESSINGS IN PERFECT DISGUISE!

I will leave you with that to ponder because after all, I understood that you will run through almost same experiences as mine. How could something so painful turn out as something perfectly plotted for something beautiful beyond imagination? Think and pray!



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