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Oh dear.
I am a graduating student and that sucks.
No, I don't want to
study numbers again nor predict the absence and presence of my Professors. I
don't want to travel far just to reach school. I will never wish to have
dark circles under my eyes. I don't want to be tired, partner-less, confused
and awake. All I want is to grip this thread that makes me feel that I am
working hard to reach a good future because this is the right thing to pursue.
I want to do the right thing. If only I can do this minus the chaotic Friday
cramming and the exhausting Saturdays at graduate school. Ah! If only.
I somehow don't want
to graduate and leave graduate school. Maybe sometime in the future I'll
consider this phase the most comfortable than in any other phases in my life
even though studying and working at the same time was never a joke. There's no
100% assurance of a comfortable life after this. There's no assurance but I
think there's a possibility. See, I'm young and confused and I've been luckily
told it's normal. Thank God!
I never felt I
worked so hard. I guess I can never pass my own standards. I am guilty of being
kind to others but unforgiving to myself. The only thing I am proud of myself
is that I can't let a day pass without reading a sensible article that I wish
will propel me to someone extraordinary in the future. Something that I can
brag to my future kids. Something that can inspire others whom I don't even
know, will never know, might never care to know and might regret to know.
I never felt I did
what my God expected me to do. No, never. There's a lot. Even though I have
been trying so hard, I know, deep down in me, I can hear that I have never been
a child He can be proud of. It's a wonder though how I could feel that He has
been closely taking care of me. It's really a wonderful world with a wonderful
God.
I wish I can say
that I have been a good daughter. I know others who could really claim that
they have been generous, loving, thoughtful and blah blah. The long list of
synonyms could follow. And the long beautiful lists of adjectives and
superlatives that can best serve as an ornament to their names and
souls. I heard their parents say very good things about them and I wish I was
deaf. These words make me uncertain of my own. It makes me troubled, sad and
left me hoping that Peter's Neverland is real.
I guess it's enough
to say that I am determined, careful and loving. The perfect thing in my
imperfect life is the realization that I am me and there will always be hope
for me.That I can always choose and do great things. I vow never forget the
heart and imagination of a kid wherein the possibilities are boundless and
that enemies could always fail. That even if wounds are painful they will
surely heal and hence I can play and smile ear-to-ear again as though there was never any pain. There’s a superhero inside of me that will always save me. There
will be always that spark of hope elicited by the strength deep down me. I will
never kill this spark. Regardless of my failures, regardless if others who are
of my age are more accomplished...more specialized than I do…I know I am not
someone who will be an eternal disgrace. I will forever be determined to make
my love ones happy and safe.
We might not live as
long as we wanted to but we can certainly live the way we want. The way God
wants us to.
I will have a life
well-lived. I am on my way. I wish you too.
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