Deehan's Pensieve

I was in love in the purest and gigantic way I could imagine. Falling in love during my teenage days seemed to be like summer with Olaf in a beautiful beach in El Nido. Everything was beyond beautiful and everyday was just like eating cotton-candy in a colorful park. It was as colorful as Hobbiton and I wanted to bask in its whimsicality all day. I couldn't get enough of all its highs and there was nothing in those scenic days that warmed me of all the pains that would creep and destroy that teenage dream of love.

I have always thought that heartaches will spare me. I wonder how I got that belief.

That young love made me nostalgic all the time. I was hoping I could get my hippocampus out from the lobes of my brain and delete all memories of him in there. I wonder how I can't just control my brain when in fact it's actually "mine". How could I not be the commander-in-chief of my "own" brain? Life is unfair. I heard that several times. I just never thought it would hit me that way. The elephantine truth that he is gone was so hard to swallow because, in the first place, I never wanted to swallow it. I was in denial of what's going on and I just can't give up because I am not the type who gives up that quick on something that I am so determined to have.

I have always been  a happy person. I know how it feels to be with a depressed person and hated how contagious it is. Hence, I decided to be a happy and optimistic person because I like how the positive waves from the curves of smiles and tickle of giggles resonate. I am not used to being so sad. That optimism though wasn't so helpful in my journey to moving on. I kept hoping he would be back, that life's mighty waves will summon us to be back in that picture of smile-inducing love story. Optimism, after all, wasn't helpful because I was optimistic of something I don't deserve. I kept on thinking why God, my great God, wouldn't allow me to be with the person I so love when I am convinced that I have been mostly a good daughter to Him in all my days. There were days that all I could do was write letters for the man I love but never really gave those to him. I didn't want to appear needy and I still had my self-respect intact. I have been honest to him about how I feel but he didn't seem to care. I can't blame him. I was not his priority and that was just fitting as we were just in the course of trying to figure out how deal with life's labyrinth. Then I was convinced that ours was a promising love stuck in the wrong time.

I decided to improve myself and look at what's happening in me as part of growing up. I decided to pursue my master's degree and graduate on time. I listed the things that I wanted to do. I worked hard and traveled far. I decided not to dwell in the memory of those exciting  and beautiful days in MSU. He was never my boyfriend. There was never an "us". Ours was complicated but I am sure we were more than friends. I was willing to wait for the right time that we can be official but we were actually on the same page, but in different books! Moving on took me several years. Yeah, I was heart-broken that much that I lost interest with phones. It felt like inbox wouldn't be interesting anymore. There were times that I woke up in the middle of my sleep and just cried. I had visions of him in my dreams or even when I was so awake. That was insane. No matter how difficult it was to get through the day knowing he's not thinking of me, I was able to brave all the weeks, moths and years of fighting the nostalgia. It was a no easy feat but I have proven to be resilient and has even improved my self-worth.

I have prayed to God several times. I asked Him hard to make me forget the person. I thought I would forever fight with the reminiscence of my young love. I have always wondered why God didn't remove my feelings for that man when it has always been my prayer. One day, I just fully realized why. It struck me to the core and made me in awe of God's ways all the more.

I have realized that there's no need to rush love. That there's a season for everything. That I should seek to have a boyfriend only when I am strongly considering that person to become my husband in the future. That I should only have a boyfriend when I have reached my dream job and academic goals. That life being single should be enjoyed with God and to explore incredible things life has to offer. I realized that there's more to life than the nostalgia. I was so sure that the best things in my life didn't happen when I was with him. With full resolve, I became so sure that the best days of my life are ahead of me. I realized that we need to feel the pain and shouldn't force its end. It shall heal and there's no exact time frame. The more you hurry of ending the pain, the more it endures. It is therefore better to be a "friend" to "yourself " through "cheers". I survived years of being ignored by him, there's no way I can't survive another more year. And yes, I survived with flying colors. I graduated from the feeling of wanting him back. One day, I just got tired of thinking of him. One day, I just got tired of spying him on Facebook. One day, I decided to erase all pictures of him and all his messages that I have kept through the years. One day, I just suddenly realized that God is still preparing the man for me and I must equally prepare myself for that man. One day, I started to imagine summer with Olaf again. I just then started to get thrilled with the idea of meeting someone new because I got convinced that I deserve to be happy and I deserve someone else.

On new year's eve after typhoon Pablo hit the valley I call home, I met him in front of the church. It's in the church where I have so much childhood memories. Brahiil came into my life in the most perfect time I could imagine. The church really looked beautiful with stars above it and with Brahiil standing on its ground. That was beyond epic.

He accepted my scars. I suddenly wanted to utter all the cliché things that other people say when they fall in love. All the love songs were suddenly all about him and he gets more handsome everyday. My eyes tend to lend all the glitters of the stars in Andromeda galaxy whenever he fulfills his duties in the church. No one is more handsome than the man who knows that his God is his priority. I don't mind being 3rd in the list. I am more impressed of how he sets his priorities. God is really great! I am impressed of all the hardships he encountered and how he recognizes God's help. Brahiil is my idea of perfectly imperfect. I can't help but be amazed of how he swears that he loves me more.

Every time I look back, I now realize why some things never work. They never work because God has better plans. I am happy that I made it through all the pain. Pains are necessary because those will drive us closer to God. I never thought I will feel this contented and secure.  I finally found my way back into love. I feel being in the Shire and enjoying the scenery of life.




Indeed, Love, just like God, moves in mysterious and mighty ways.